I, like many of you, have lived a broken life. A half-life, a life that started in a broken home. My father was a very controlling alcoholic who physically and emotionally abused my mom and my sister and I. We were poor and lived in isolation, which allowed for his control to be more complete. My father didn’t know or believe in Jesus and forbid my sister and me to know Him in any way.
At nineteen years old, my sister Willow was killed by a drunk driver. The drunk driver and my sister’s best friend were also killed. I was twenty-three at the time and was estranged from my family by choice. I was on the run trying to put as much distance as possible between them and me. I carried a lot of pain, guilt, and shame from my childhood that intensified greatly after Willow’s accident. I went through therapy for years and gained understanding of my issues, but never healing.
As a result of my childhood, I grew up as a perfectionist. I believed that I had to be perfect to be loved, and that if anyone knew the real me they would never love me. That need for perfection grew so toxic that it led to an eating disorder and to depression. I fought hard to overcome it through my own will, and honestly believed that I would fight it until the day I died. It was like living in a prison! It was my secret. I hid behind the mask of perfection for so long! No one knew the war that was waging inside of me.
Two years ago I became a Christian, and a year ago my children and I were baptized. Our Lord has completely transformed my life! A few weeks after I was baptized, a couple came into my life that I had never met before. After some small talk, I learned that they were friends with and worked for the same man that knowingly gave the car keys to the drunk driver that killed my sister fifteen years ago. As I sat reeling from this connection, God spoke to my heart and told me to ask for his phone number so that I could call him and forgive him. I promise you I had never once thought of reaching out to this man! I hated him since he was the only one left to blame. I couldn’t believe what God was asking me to do!
I called him a week later. It was a phone call that literally changed my life! I had no idea what the anger and lack of forgiveness was doing to my life. Not just the anger from the accident, but also the unforgiving anger from my childhood. When I made that call, my life changed. The blessing of peace filled my heart. The forgiveness broke my mask!
A couple of months after the phone call, as I was reflecting on all that Jesus had been teaching me, I had a startling revelation. I realized that for almost two years, I had not once been plagued by my eating disorder. It had been completely erased like it never existed! God had completely delivered me from my prison! I broke down in tears of gratefulness and joy. I broke down for the girl that had once felt so hopeless, so alone, so ashamed. God and His amazing Grace had given me a miracle!
I stand before you not refurbished, but completely remade! I have been transformed by God! I stand here not defined by my past, or by what others think of me, but by His love and purpose for my life. My identity is in Him and that has set me free! I never really felt joy before Jesus, and now He has given me a joy that defies circumstances. Just like it says in Philippians 4:7, And God’s peace shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts, and minds in Christ Jesus!
Just a couple of weeks ago I had a miscarriage after being three and a half months pregnant. Our family has grieved the loss of our baby. But I have to tell you, I have a peace, an inner peace that transcends this circumstance. I have a peace that can only be explained by the presence of Jesus. I KNOW that He has a plan for my life. I don’t just know it in my mind, I know it in my heart, and I LIVE it! I trust His wisdom and plan completely. He taught me that I don’t have to know why. All I need to do is follow Him. He may lead me to some unlikely places, but it’s all for good in the end. He taught me not to look for the Plan, but to look for the Author of the Plan. He has taught me obedience through my suffering.
It reminds me of an analogy…imagine you have a beautiful ceramic pot. Imagine you have a glowing light and you put the light into the pot and put a lid on it. Can you see the light through the pot? No. Now imagine that same beautiful ceramic pot, but imagine it with cracks and chips and pieces missing. You put the light in that pot and put the lid on it. Can you see the light? Yes, you can! Through all the cracks and chips and missing pieces, out streams the beautiful light for all to see. We are those cracked pots, and He is the light shining out for the entire world to see his Glory.
I have grown so much over the past two years! Jesus has encouraged me to reach out to others for fellowship, support, accountability, training and equipping. He has surrounded me with amazing believers who have taken me in and mentored me. I have given my life to the Lord and will spend the rest of my life serving Him and leading others to do the same!
You are so open and honest about your faith and this is such a blessing. I so sorry to hear about your miscarriage because I know you are such an awesome person. I truly am amazed at how new you are in the faith as you posses a maturity and I pray that God keeps you going on this path of discovery of who you are in Christ. Blessings!!
Heather, this is such a beautiful story! I’d love to have you share it with our women sometime this Fall in Sac. Would you be open to that?
Laurie Jennings
Heather , you are such a beautiful beacon of light . god is going to open so many doors for you because of your failth and following of His word.
I’m sorry to hear about the miscarrage, but I’m happy to hear you feel God’s peace touching you through this troubled time. His peace surpasses all our understanding.
Thank you for sharing your sorrow of the past. It is so encouraging to see your resurgance of your faith with God leading you to new heights.
You were always a ray of light during “Wally’s Cafe.” and such a delight to work with. Your strength was there then, but you had yet to find it.
finding god in my life took some doing. I invited Him in and then left the room for 14 years… now how rude it that? When I came back He was patiently waiting for me, but I still didn’t have time for Him. He knew when I would finally come back and it was during a major crisis ( don’t we alwys wait for a crisis?) again. I stayed this time, but it has still taken a while for me to understand His love and patience. It was actually Patti F. who would not let me direct a certain play that sent me to church and directed palys there..that is where God let me be His vessel. I am truely thankfoul for that. Otherwise there never would have been a Wally’s Cafe and more.
Love you & may the Lord continue to bless you in a mighty way.
God’s Handmaiden,
Mary Lynne
“…in this you greatly rejoice! Even though now, for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your FAITH (being more precious than gold, which is perishable, even though tested by fire) may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. And though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressable and full of glory; obtaining as the outcome of your FAITH the salvation of your souls” -Apostle Peter
I am always in awe of you! Not only is your story amazing, inspiring, emotional, motivating…I could go on and on. But your ability to put it into words is one of your many giftings friend! God is going to use u in a BIG way! I am so thankful to have been and continue to be on this journey with you…to God be all the glory! I could see myself reading your story as I read my bible study books! You are going to transform more lives than you can ever know by your obedience to Him! I love you so much and am so thankful for you!
I want you to be the guest speaker at our women’s tea at the end of July. It’s going to be at my house! You would be amazing! You always are! May God continue to work thru you to reach others! God bless you friend!
[…] sat down and wept. If you read my first blog post, Rebirth, you know what an utter mess my life had been before Jesus. My early twenties were spent running […]